On My Honor

Help! My Son Doesn’t Want to Be a Boy Scout

Elizabeth sent in this question

My son will be crossing over in a few weeks. He has worked hard to get his arrow of light and is proud of it. But he is flatly refusing to continue with scouting. I’m heartbroken about it. His personality is such that he doesn’t want to “do” anything. I kid you not, he balks at being given the opportunity to go to his favorite theme park!  He was required to be in scouts until now and has always said he wouldn’t continue, or he’d take a year off or something. So, my question is for advice. I have tried to make it sounds really cool, he’s got friends moving up and friends in a troop now but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I can’t force him so am I doomed to this disappointment?

This is a difficult situation. Anyone who has ever had a pre-teen or teenager knows that you can’t force them to enjoy an activity. This is the age when they are becoming more independent. And they often assert that independence by expressing which activities they want to participate in and which they don’t.

The three main factors I have observed in whether boys stick with Boy Scouting are not are

  1. A good program with activities the boys enjoy. This is where the boy-led troop is key.
  2. Friends in the program
  3. A parent who is actively involved in the program and fully participates in outings and meetings.

If the program is good, but he still doesn’t want to participate, there is little you can do. Sometimes there are things which are competing for a boy’s attention which are also good for his development – sports, theater, band, etc. On the other hand, if he just wants to stay home and play video games and watch TV, maybe he needs some limits put on that. If he has a lot of free time and cannot engage in those activities, he might be more willing to fill the void with Scouting. But it should not be presented as a punishment for not participating. He needs to understand the importance of being well rounded.

It sounds like point #2 is already covered. He has friends in the troop. One of the best recruiting tools is when boys come back from a campout and tell their friends about all of the fun things they did. So if he does decide to “take a year off” that might be the encouragement he needs to get involved.

If your son does join the troop, I encourage you to get involved. By far, the sons of the parents who are actively involved in the troop seem to stay with the program a lot more. You might need to attend some training or learn how to hike and camp. But if you are asking your son to do something he isn’t comfortable with, shouldn’t you be willing to do the same?

Some kids just need a little additional motivation. I knew a parent who took his son out for ice cream after meetings. Sure, it was a bribe. This particular young man was an introvert and just needed a little extra incentive to get out of his comfort zone. He did stick with it long enough to get his Eagle.

Readers, what do you think? Add your ideas to the comments below.

14 Responses to Help! My Son Doesn’t Want to Be a Boy Scout

  1. kathy sharman February 4, 2015 at 10:34 AM #

    My son wanted to quit after Cub Scouts as well. I made a deal with him that if he stayed in thru his first summer camp and still wanted to quit then I would let him. I knew the independence that he experienced at camp would keep him involved. He stayed and its an Eagle Scout.

  2. Cris February 4, 2015 at 10:37 AM #

    I had a somewhat similar problem with my son a couple of years ago when he was a Wolf. He said he didn’t want to go to Cub Scouts anymore and was completely done with it.

    I didn’t fight him. I told him that since I was the Den Leader I had to stick with it until at least the end of the year, so he was probably going to have to come to the Den Meetings and Pack Meetings anyway, but he wouldn’t have to participate if he didn’t want to. The next Den Meeting I planned some fun games and after sitting on the sides for a few minutes he jumped in and had a great time.

    But that wasn’t enough. After that I planned an overnight camping trip for just the 2 of us. We whittled, fished, cooked over an open fire, and used our compasses to find our way around the woods. We never specifically talked about Scouts, but I did mention that it’d be really cool if we could go camping more often.

    That worked. He came back from the weekend more gung-ho than ever. He’s a Webelos now and last night we visited a grear local Troop. He walked out of there pretty sure of where he’d be crossing over to.

  3. Elizabeth February 4, 2015 at 10:47 AM #

    Thanks so much. We are really active with our pack and I’m the outdoorsy one of the family so that hadn’t been the big problem. But I totally agree that parent involvement is key. He is introverted and he is persistent when he has decided to do or not do something. So this challenge will be a big one. He knows that he has to “do something” and that staying home to play games won’t be happening but I’m not above bribing!!!

  4. Heather February 4, 2015 at 11:38 AM #

    First, I beg to differ. You can absolutely require your son to Scout. It is less than ideal but if quitting isn’t presented as an option you might be suprised, since he is in a good Troop with friends and an active parent, that he makes a better go of it. I have 2 Scouts. One is kind of luke warm about it but not Scouting has never been an option, unless replaced with a different activity – and this caveat they do not know. Last I checked, we are the parents until adulthood. If I can force my kids to brush their teeth & make their beds I can certainly force them to participate in a healthy character building activity like Scouts.
    Secondly you shared your son lacks interest in “doing” anything at all. I would suggest you have your son evaluated for depression and or anxiety. In which case Scouting is an excellent opportunity to overcome the symptoms and loneliness associated with depression.

    • Michelle August 10, 2016 at 2:57 PM #

      Sorry, but no. A parent absolutely should NOT require her son to remain a Boy Scout if he is no longer interested in the program and has expressed a desire to leave. Why would you require your child to continue participating in an activity that he no longer wished to do? My ultimate goal is to raise both my children to be kind and positively impact others. But that goal can be done with other activities including sports. As parents we need to allow our children to learn to make decisions for themselves as they grow older and become responsible young adults. Scouting may be a great program but it’s not for everyone.

  5. Sonny Wm. E. McCraw February 4, 2015 at 12:00 PM #

    Never barter, nor bribe a child. This tactic only leads to a false sense of entitlement; as well as it leaves the child with the expectation that there is some form of reward or gift at the end of each task they perform- whether mundane, routine, or monumental.

    A child’s greatest rewards are the one’s no one can place intrinsic value on, nor take from them. This reward is the life lesson of pride in their work and knowledge of finishing a job well done. This is something he can carry with him beyond patch or medals.

    Bridging over from Arrow of Light to the Trail to Eagle is difficult for some children.
    The Boy Scout Program has several aspects that appeal to both parent and child. –
    1.)- Service to the community.
    2.)- Leadership Training
    3.)- Merit badges that encourage him to learn anything from Astronomy to Welding and gaming.
    4.)- Outdoor ethics and conservation of our natural resources
    5.)- Patrols
    6.)- Camp-outs and cookouts
    7). The Order of Arrow
    8.)- Religious Emblem Programs that help the scout explore his faith,
    9.)- Service projects like the Messenger of Peace
    10.)- Earning the Rank of Eagle Scout
    11.)- week long summer camps
    12.)- BSA Family Fun Programs
    13.)- the BSA NOVA STEM Programs
    14.)- History
    15.)- Character building
    16.)- teaching others using the EDGE Method and so much more.

    The value of this can be seen in the success of the 4 % of boy scout who earn the rank of Eagle Scout…

    Eagle Scouts like Neil Armstrong, US President Gerald Ford, Jordan Devey, offensive tackle for the New England Patriots and 2014 Super Bowl champion, Maroon 5 guitarist James Valentine, and Rock Legend Jim Morrison of the Doors…

    By showing my son the proud Scouting Alumni who earned the Rank of Eagle and the opportunities Scouting had to offer him; My son gained momentum and proudly earned his Eagle.

    There were massive obstacles he faced and persevered to overcome… It was not easy. but now you can read about his success and how he helped.

    http://www.sltrib.com/news/1806911-155/veterans-benjamin-homeless-ogden-scout-center

    http://www.icatholic.org/article/girl-boy-scouts-and-adult-leaders-are-honored-5516449

    http://www.icatholic.org/article/five-boy-scouts-receive-the-thomas-s-monson-award-3336470

    http://icatholic.org/article/eagle-scout-project-helps-homeless-veterans-become-selfsufficient-3787378

    • Jj June 7, 2016 at 3:56 PM #

      Umm Jim Morrison was a Boy Scout. There is no correlation to success and whether or not someone makes eagle.

  6. Veronica February 4, 2015 at 12:08 PM #

    Elizabeth,

    Thank you for submitting this question. I have the same situation. My son has earned his Arrow of Light and his Super Achiever award, but now he says his done.

    I think some of it is anxiety about him being there alone. He just turned 10 in November and he’ll be crossing over this May. So, maybe it won’t be such a hardship if he waits a year.

    We’ll see. Good luck to you.

  7. connie February 4, 2015 at 3:20 PM #

    I have 2 son’s who went thru scouting one who truly loves it and at the age of 12 is a star scout and one like who will cross over in a few weeks who truly hated everything about scouting. I told him he had no choice but to finish cub scouts because we come such a long way but he didn’t have to go to boy scouts if he didn’t want to. He attends the boy scout meetings either way because I stay with his brother. Just recently he asked the scout master of he could attend a merit badge class all the kids were taking. The scout master agreed and my son had a blast he earned his first aid merit badge but he also refund his enjoyment in scouts and is now excited to crossover. Have him attend some troop meetings and events he may like it

  8. janice February 4, 2015 at 8:27 PM #

    Look for a Venture Crew in your area. Venturing is a co-ed division of BSA. for ages 14-20. I have seen boys who were loosing interest in their troop renew their enthusiasm when they learned they can do high adventure stuff with girls. Venturers can do some things that the Troop cannot, such as pistol shooting and hunting. Boy Scouts who are on the Eagle trail can complete their Eagle Award as a Venturer. There are still awards and leadership skills to be had, but with the youth leading the way & the adults stepping back & just advising them.

  9. Jebecka February 5, 2015 at 7:58 AM #

    I’m not writing with an answer, but another question. My son also dropped out of Scouts after earning his Arrow of Light and crossing over. I was his den leader for his Webelos II year. I know he would be more likely to stick with it if I am involved however, being his mom, I’m not sure how involved I should be with Boy Scouts? I stepped back a bit because I feel I should because this is a boy/man/father thing. How involved are mom’s ususally in Boy Scouts? Are they seen as hovering helicopter mom’s if they want to go on the campouts?

    • Scouter Mom February 5, 2015 at 8:43 AM #

      There are plenty of women involved in Boy Scouting. In today’s world, boys need to learn to interact with women as well as men. Your sons will have women as fellow students, coworkers and supervisors. But you must remember that you are there as a unit leader, not as a mother. You will need to be able to sit back and let the boys do. I strongly recommend that you attend Boy Scout Leader Training in your area. This will help you understand the program. If you understand the role of adults in Boy Scouts, there is no reason you can’t be an asset to the troop.

    • Michael August 30, 2016 at 11:58 AM #

      There are no rules about what roles women can or should fill in the troop. So this is really up to you. you mentioned being viewed as the helicopter mom, that would also be up to you, depending on how you interact on the trips. Also, dad’s can be guilty of it too. Don’t be afraid to left him fail. It happens a lot, and they learn from it. Sit back be hands off, and supervise. Step it only if an action is likely to get someone hurt. I do think for the most part males have an easier time letting this happen, but there are severalgreat female leaders in scout too. Treat your scout as any other, put them in tents with the other scouts not in yours. Help him pack before a trip, don’t then switch from mom to leader on the trip. If you think that would be difficult to do but still want to be involved, troop committee, advancement coordinator or many other roles may be an option.

  10. m p February 6, 2015 at 11:33 AM #

    This is a question that comes up routinely every year, specifically around crossover, but throughout all levels and ranks of cubscouts and scouts.

    My son does not want to crossover/continue in scouting. All the advice here has been very supportive and helpful. Having an active pack/troop. Having active parents/leaders. Having an invested cubscout/scout.

    The below website is Mike Rowe (eagle Scout) advice to a parent when asked to help persuade a writers son to continue in scouts and earn his eagle.

    I presented this story to a mom of a cubscout and several scouts. Her eldest son was only a few merit badges shy of eagle and in High school. His clock was ticking and due to HS commitments had dropped out of scouting. Needless to say after this story he rejoined scouts and is working again with his troop as well as his younger siblings (cubscout and scouts). He decided to rejoin and he will decide if he finishes and at this point and his age that’s how it should be if we as leaders have done our job correctly.

    Once again only 4% reach eagle scout, and this may be a goal, but it is not the only goal.

    If link does not work, just google mike rowes response to a perspective eagle scout parent.

    mike-offers-a-potential-eagle-scout-his-eagle-perspective.

    hope this helps

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